tomshep

Archive for the ‘P.O.V’ Category

And the smiles fell off our faces, one by one.

In Concepts, Discontent, Humor, Nostalgia, P.O.V, Ramblings, Relevant to my interests., Uncategorized, Upsetting on July 8, 2009 at 7:47 pm

23/04/09

British comedy shows are few and far between lately. Nothing strikes me as revered genius really. There is more comedy in a badly air conditioned morgue than there is in an episode of Katherine Tate’s plane crash of a television show. Three Non Blondes has been known to make children terminally ill, that Reeves and Mortimer sketch show was so bad my mind erased all memory of it including its name and the Boosh are starting to wear thin.

The kicks come from panel quiz/comedy shows. Buzzcocks with Simon Amstel was seminal brilliance and Have I got News for you is into its 20-something series. Shooting stars is still one of my all time favorites, I’ll take my Matt Lucas dressed as a baby playing the drums any day of the week, some of his latest incarnations have become lazy overused puns. The laughs are cheap.

I was watching the Young Ones today along with some Rick Mayall stand up. It just looks like we are devolving in the humor department. As time goes by, our comedy is becoming impotent. I’m not sure whether this is a reflection on the nation, we don’t mind a recycled gag. How many episodes of Little Britain can you differentiate from other epidoses* of Little Britain? Totally unlike the first series of The League of Gentlemen which was like someone married a Stephen King novel with a modern day brothers Grimm tale at the church of the uncanny. Each episode carried a narrative. I know which one I would have preferred to have written.

Shows like the Royale Family and Dinner Ladies were examples of incredibly well written shows that emerged in the late 90′s. Wood and Caroline Aherne are mavericks. Looking back at the tings like the Fast Show and Mrs Merton, it was all great until 2005 when things began to dry up.

It’s like when people say there will never be another Beatles, there will never be another Monty Python. Rowan Atkinson is (nearly) a legend. The sketches were really fresh and if you youtube the greatest of them (as long as its not political and of the time) you can still gleam something that has been lost in the turn of the century.

I think that we lost the ability to be subtle. Look how inoffensive the comedy was in the 70′s and 80′s and compare it to now. I think in an age where you can say anything you want and get away with it we don’t rely so much on the metaphors and smilies to encode the meaning, we just spit out the brazen ugly truths and laugh at how crude we have become. Its all very playground.

Ironically it has much to do with the loss of British and the diluting of our culture. On St Georges day we have people harping on about how good it is to be English, but what is being English exactly? I think that answer has been documented over the years in our comedy shows incredibly accurately

Man, we need the new pythons already, a bunch of finger on the pulse funny guys to come along and get the defibrillator on the slowly fading heartbeat of our raped culture, else its Family Guy season 15 for all of us followed by massive helpings of Def Jam and Home Improvement re runs. Bill Bailey will go bald soon folks and Mr J Ross will own the BBC. Might as well feed off the massive fruitful breast of Uncle Sam instead of waiting around here for nothing to happen.

PS: Oh, by the way. If anyone out there ever saw an episode of ’15 Storeys High’, that was the last ever amazing piece of English comedy. Think ‘The Streets’ crossed with Monkey Dust, leave them simmer for 7 minutes and add a good helping of solitude. I’m posting a you tube link that you should seriously follow, and remember what I said about our humor being best when it optimises what it is to live, walk and breathe in this country. I LOVE this show.

PPS: Seriously. I’m showing you something good here.

If you recommend any new comedy, please send me a message and let me know.

*What an amazing typo. Epidose. I love that.

London, you make me sick.

In Alcohol, Crones, Discontent, Humor, London, Oddballs, P.O.V, PANIC!, Pervy, Ramblings, Scary, THIS IS MADNESS, Upsetting, Women on July 8, 2009 at 7:36 pm

01/03/08

Went to a house party last night. It was okay barring the fact that I turned up at half midnight. The empty vodka bottles, king size Rizzla stuck to the floor and conspicuous trails all over the table lead into the understanding that I was not really going to get into the vibe here. I should have turned up earlier and gone rum raiding.

So Sober Larry gets to integrate with all manner of weird creatures for few hours. So when the guy harping on about his dysfunctional sexuality issues was finally distracted by a frisbee, and that tall ugly girl stopped chatting about her project to promote diarrhea (“Its not its fault its a virus!”) I decided to call it a night. Greedy bisexual boy was on the prowl anyway, the eject button had to be pushed.

Diarrhea girl found me at the door and asked if I could walk her to bus stop. i obliged, and she took her fucking time walking up the street asking some of the most bizzare questions. It seemed that everyone at this party had ulterior motives, or I shouldn’t wear so much John Paul Gautier.

I pushed her onto a bus, gave her a big thumbs up and legged it.

Walworth road was absolute bedlam. I saw a massive police raid on this house where they stuffed multiple dudes into multiple vans, women were crying, men were pushing each other. Horrible sights and sounds, sensory violation.

I was near home. 500 meters left.

Two women are walking in front of me, probably been out to the pub or something. Women. Harmless.

One of them turned around and glanced at me before carrying on walking and talking to her accomplice.

I continue walking when the woman turns around again and makes a bee line right for me.

“You got a spare cigarette mate?”

I fumbled around foolishly, and replied with the obvious answer ‘I dont smoke’. What a bloody idiot.

“Its alright. Where you been tonight? You walking this way?”

I obliged, told her I went to a house party too late and needed to pass out. Her other friend stood on the other side of me and started walking in stride with us.

“This is Aisha, and we want to do you a deal.”

Drugs? I thought. I wanted to go to bed. Never mind drugs. I looked at her with raised eyebrows.

“You can take us home with you, tenner each. You can fuck me with a condom and she will suck you without.”

I was mortified. Absolutely fucking mortified. I blurted something that was crossed with hilarity, surprise and utter disgust. They offered me a crack head threesome for twenty quid. Oh god. Good God. I shook my head wildly. “No”

“Okay, well how about we stay until the morning at yours for twenty each, and…”

“No thankyou. Thanks. But…”

“Is it because we are black?”

Oh great. Now you pull THAT card. I just slouched over. I had spent all night avoiding these disasters only to be caught up standing between two cheap and desperate hookers. This was awful. I tried to make excuses, and told them that they were very pretty, and that I like black people, and I wanted to go.

“Oh, come on! Coming home from a party without a girl?” She had stood in my path. I was blocked. “I have a pimp you know, he burns me!” She showed me the back of her arm. Low and behold around 20 cigarette burns. I remember turning white. I was in Sin City.

There was a Mexican stand off of glances. The silent girl glanced at my watch, they noticed me glancing aver their shoulders at my doorway, 250 meters away, and then I noticed her glance at the bus shelter over the road. Two of the biggest black dudes I had ever seen were sitting motionless on the bench. No glancing this time, they were full on staring, cold staring at me.

“We ain’t kidding now, give us your money.”

There was probably someone behind me too. Someone was shot on this street a week ago. Shit. Mugged by a pair of fucking Hookers.

I had sixty in my pocket, my phone and some coins that were jangling in my coat. If they could give it all up for a tenner then I was pretty sure they would give me up to the dudes over the road for less.

I delved into my pocket as I could see no better option. I grabbed the notes, pulled them out letting one fall to the floor, I handed the rest to her and as they rushed to grab the note that had blown between silent girls legs I made my escape. I ran wide of the corner, right to my door. As I got inside, just over the road through the glass doors was another shifty character who made sure to get a good look at my face before running the other way.

London. You make me sick.

(Turns out I only released fifty quid, the other tenner was in my rear pocket. Huzzah

‘The Great Fire of Camden’ and other stories

In Alcohol, Awesome, Crones, Discontent, Humor, London, Music, Oddballs, P.O.V, PANIC!, Pervy, Ramblings, Relevant to my interests., Scary, THIS IS MADNESS on July 8, 2009 at 7:34 pm

11/03/08

Imagine. You get up to the gates of heaven and St Peter removes the top of your skull (kind of like Sylar does but with less blood) and inspects your brain to see what kind of life you had. He mulches it up in his hands like mincemeat all the time nodding to himself or tutting as he decides what kind of life you had, the fibrous pulp gives away everything as his fingers intrude into each and every defining moment of your life.

Yeah, well I suppose its nothing like that…

Well, it was like I was ascending into some other imagined pseudo world this Saturday as I was on the steady incline of the Camden underground escalators.

It was 8PM, and expecting to emerge onto the bustling streets of Camden on a typical Saturday, we ended up in the center of a great inferno. If you failed to see the photographs on the news…

And I tell you what, the sight of these 30ft flames seemed to instill some kind of deluded mischief in everyone in Camden. People were buying drinks from the pubs and running out to marvel at the spectacle before being pushed away from the blaze by the police. Dealers came out from everywhere, mingling with the expanding crowd. Businessmen were whistling them down like dogs. One guy was rubbing his fingers together, lured a dealer into a phone box by shouting ‘anyone got whizz?’ over and over again. The fire got even bigger. People were screaming, the traffic had stopped and there were countless fire vehicles. Policemen were climbing onto the roof tops and all I wanted was cheap chinese food.

Anyway, it was getting too much and we had a gig to get to, so after tootling over to mornington crescent and meeting the band in some pub there, it was all over the news. The weirdest thing was watching sky news reporting from where you were standing five minutes ago. Some poor reporter was asking passers by what they had seen when some pissed guys jumped into frame and told her that she smelled like fish. I spat my beer everywhere.

Anyway, so, im in this pub, Camden is burning to shit about 200 meters from where I was sat and I manage some free tickets to see Envy and Other Sins, those brummy dudes that won the channel four unsigned competition. They are playing a gig called the festival of sins just over the road at the purple turtle.

It was disturbing.

They had porn from the 1940′s being projected onto the wall, I mean like an eight foot tall fanny just…there. Scaring me. Like a toothless wolverine. This was the first thing that struck me, even before I managed to notice the gimp on stilts that was lurking behind me. Shit. I needed a beer, but not before I was flanked with quite beautiful Burlesque women. Corsets and tattoo’s and all that. And then, in the squeeze for the bar a man wearing nothing but a leather spiky collar brushed his dick against my hand as I was going for my change. I felt it. His wrinkly hood VS. the top of my hand. I went green.

A Japanese midget burlesque thing took to the stage and started singing a song about how badly she wanted to be fucked. You know, she was a midget. nobody wants to sleep with a midget. Awesome tattoos though. I never saw rocket fish and a pug dog chest piece before in my life (incidentally the pug dog was her pet, incorporated into her song as another male who refuses to sleep with her).

i went to the toilet. Another naked man was there, and a dude wearing a really good suit. how I noticed the suit before his Mexican wrestling mask, I have no idea. Like a Ray Mysterio Jr kinda one. He made a point of staring at me whilst I did my wee, just as long as he kept his bits away from my pockets I was going to be okay.

I ran out of the toilets into the middle of some weird photo shoot and banged my head off the chest of some buxom model who growled at me. I froze to the spot.

Camden was burning down, sex people are everywhere and all I can see is this monster fanny jangling about in the sky. The Japanese midget had been replaced by these people who were putting sterilized needles through this womans face and cheeks whist another pretended to bleed to death. What the fuck is happening to you Shep? If my phone had battery, I would have called my mother and apologized for what I had become.

Envy played next and were introduced by some wide eyed gay dude with a walking stick who mocked them for being from Birmingham. I laughed loudest unfortunately, and lots of eyes fell on me. All of a sudden, wearing nothing but a leather crotch pouch might have been a good idea. Even the monster fanny scowled.

I escaped after Envy finished, I paid my respects to them as they played up to the whole experience a treat.

Good news. My accomplice, josh, who is quite used to these ordeals has got us invites to an all night pub lock in. he wanted to stay and look at Burlesque women, but I said no, and drinking was more important.

So, we went to this bar on the Holloway road called Nambuka. They put curtains all up the Windows and people were smoking and drinking and all sorts. I got wasted quickly. Talking to some band manager at the bar who told me about a guy he saw swallow an 8 ball and a light bulb, only to regurgitate them whole again. The dude also took five womens rings, swallowed them all and regurgitated the rings back to their rightful owners.

This was an amazing story. I told it to some other guy later on. He told me that I was lying.

Peaches Geldof was there…apparently. I was oblivious to it, plus I don’t really know what she looks like.

At 8AM, we went back to an old friends house and drank whiskey.

I woke up at 6PM on Sunday and ate lots of fried chicken and found a portrait someone did of me on a piece of wood.

I think if St Peter was to mash about with my brain, he would get to this point in my life and just put the brain back and boot me down to Hades. Hades would only be dismayed because I wouldn’t wear his leather spiky collar and would send me back in dismay.

I think Hades has already seen my cock anyway. I’m sure that was him standing next to me at the urinal…

Dreams

In Awesome, Design, Humor, Oddballs, P.O.V, Relevant to my interests. on July 8, 2009 at 7:27 pm

22/01/08

I was in a pirate ship in space. The ship was decked out with arcade machines only. Sounds great? It was, but my only worry was handing my dissertation into Sigourney Weaver who IGNORED me every time I waved it in front of her face. A chase ensued until I ended up getting into a fight with some burly Chav lads who were on the dance mat machine. I manage to dodge all of their slow flying fists until one of them made a connection with my face and he got stuck there.

I woke up with my nose pushed right up against the wall and my bare naked bottom waving in the air.

Grimy.

Christmas Blues

In Alcohol, Discontent, Humor, Jesus, P.O.V, Ramblings on July 8, 2009 at 7:20 pm

17/11/07

I am on antibiotics you see. God, its all boring. I am not allowed to ‘beer’ for a whole week, and i am already getting the shakes and contemplating how to spend my times of leisure. If not with a beverage, how else can I whittle away the minutes not occupied by the toilet or the computer?

I think, instead, I will spend this week on concentrating on getting fat. How fat can I get (will I get) with a week of no intoxicants? I am hoping to put on a stone.

Dreary days, bonfires are all extinguished and now we have that insufferable time of the year where everything gets cold, and we all quietly wait for Christmas. Advent calenders never helped. My advent calender would be the reason I used to wake up in December when I was a wee Tom. Nevermind the fact I had a cupboard full of good chocolate downstairs, It would just be to free that pathetic Christmas pudding shaped morsel from behind the foil wall, marking the all important fact that it was the third of December. Great. This made it all go far slower, enduring this task for a whole month proved more taxing than it is fun, and weighs heavier on your child brain that Christmas was going to come at a slower pace than it would if you had never had the calender in the first place.

Although, my family were never part of the Christmas numpty group that meet once a year (mid November) and decide when they will strike. They smear shit all over Christmas cheer by erecting thier Christmas trees and house lights weeks before they should, ruining the whole illusion. Dont be that penis, only put the wreath up when it is SAFE to do so.

Oh, and then there are the Chrismas traditionalists and Christmas Wilkinsons tacky Santa’s grotto seasons greeting terrorists. The latter are the kind who go out and nail one of those light up Santas to the roof, get one of those inflatable snowmen, wear socks that play jingle bells and put up so many fairy lights, the national grid have to throw thousands more trees and animals into the giant furnace to account for their terrible energy consumption.

Jesus weeps. Happy birthday and thanks for making me miserable. Talk about gate crashing, seems everyone celebrating don’t seem to give a shit who’s birthday it is anyway, they’re just here for the liquor and the buffet.

Ey, but lets pay the big J his dues right? He sure puts on a better spread than Allah ever did. I wouldn’t like to be at that party, all seems a bit close knit down there. I don’t think they drink either.

I think with this beard, this miserable face and being on antibiotics with no alcohol in my system at all, I might actually fit just right in.

Boring Bombay Bastards

In Alcohol, Crazy Foreigners, Drinking, Food, Humor, London, Music, Oddballs, P.O.V on July 8, 2009 at 7:10 pm

03/10/07

Terrible times ahead, this will be a year of social chastity.

I had a drink last night with a bunch of folk from Bombay. It was great at first, they tried to feed me some food that i courteously turned down because ‘It makes me shit and smells weird’. They took this in jest, wiggling thier heads from side to side and showing all of thier gleaming white teeth. To be fair, their cuisine did look gash and not at all to my liking. I continued to drink up my Fosters and join in on the shisha pipe.

The last time I heard such inane conversation, terrible music and incomprehensible words was when I was at an Welsh speed garage party with Gordon the Gopher, the guy from the Pogues and this dude who had taken so much ecstasy that his tongue had swollen up to the size of a toddlers fist.

Amidst thier incessant warbling about the virtues of Sean Paul, why grey t-shirts are a good thing and cricket, two of the offending members of the party were doing this odd flirt routine of calling each other bitches and blowing smoke in each others eyes. Meanwhile, I am locked into an awkward staring match between this heavy lidded Indian female. One of those stares where you both know you don’t like each other, that you find something particularly heinous about the other and cant figure out what it is and the only way to find out is by staring at them until it clicks. I worked out why I disliked her,it was her partially formed woman-tache that sat on her top lip, her ugly brittle yellow toenails poking from her sandals and her reddened eyes settled upon my can of beer.

I was about to start my third when the she beast pipes up from the other side of the room and tells me that I should watch my beer consumption as it is ‘dangerous to drink that much’.

My jaw fell. Everyone in the room glared at me. My drinking rate was three times faster than that of my company. To this, I opened the can and drank heartily whilst they all sat there in silence waiting for some kind of response.

I belched aloud and told them that they had no clue how to party, and what was the point of university if they were all going to just sit there mumbling shit, chewing leaves and spices that make you smell like the arse of a sick dog.

The moral of the story kids. Only drink with exciting foreigners, and if you get stuck with shit ones, go to the pub instead.

Cheer Up : Kanye West

In Crazy Foreigners, Discontent, Humor, Oddballs, P.O.V, Ramblings, THIS IS MADNESS on July 8, 2009 at 7:03 pm

15/07/07

That’s Right Kanye, give us a smile, why so sullen when we all know that you have shimmering teeth that could dazzle the most distressed of damsels. I used to like you Kanye, but whats the point in wealth and fame when you cant celebrate it and instead you do things like this…

Jesus...is that YOU?

Jesus...is that YOU?

Bugger me backwards batman…

I have never been a massive fan of either you or Jesus, but If you were both in a bar, I would have plenty more to ask little J, son of G, sorry man, but its the truth. I would ask him, “why is that sad Black bloke over there dressed like you Jesus dude? Does he want to be you?”
“No”, Jesus would reply, “He just wants someone to think that he was born of immaculate conception, that he has the power to save all humanity from their sins, but to me, he just looks like a miserable prick.”
At this point Kanye would twist around on his swivel chair, half spilling his WKD blue all over his toga. “Savior breath Jesus! I know your pain. I was stabbed…erm…shot too! I was stabbed and shot and everything. Do you know how much that hurt Jesus?”
“They nailed me to a sodding cross you ungrateful sod. Now cheer up and give us a smile”
Kanye would take this opportunity to look even more displeased, getting burned is bad enough when you are Kanye West, but getting burned by a semi naked 2000 year old God stung little deeper.
I would pipe up between them to voice my opinion. “Calm down gentlemen! Jesus, you are quite right, Kanye is a miserable twat but…”
“You’ve got a trifling friend indeed” blurts Kanye, as he leaps across the bar, squeezing Jesus by the gullet.
At this point I would leave, crossing paths with the Sheilas wheels women on the way out, who distract Kanye ith thier large breasts and blonde hair, giving Jesus enough time to zap him to the floor with his laser beam eyes. All four of them would proceed to feast on Kanye’s well cooked corpse.

On the walk home, I realize now that I would be far better off without any of these people in my life.

PS: In other news, the radio 2 news presenter just belched part way through a report on the Darfur Crisis. This is the kind of spirit that Kanye needs, not the holy spirit.

Shimmering Teefs

In Childish, Discontent, London, Oddballs, P.O.V, Scary, Uncategorized on July 8, 2009 at 6:54 pm

01/06/07

After a week of high pitched American females (who constantly remind you to put the toilet seat up after taking a leek) hardcore coffee abuse, lackluster sketchbook work and take away chicken delicacies, I seem to have slipped out of God’s constipated backside and landed quite safely onto the warm stomach of the Charmin bear.

My dissertation proposal was handed in with success. Oh, and the working title is so awfully OTT I considered vomiting all over the paper it was written on.

“THE SACRED ILLUSION AND THE OBJECTIVE WORLD MATERIALISED THROUGH THE SPECTACLE OF THE INFORMATION AGE”

Its kinda like a pretty way of saying ‘This is an essay about how the media is going to fuck up your kids’. So I think its a fucking care bear wishy washy title, I take it to my VCT tutor to talk about, and he really liked it. What a cross eyed chump. Pssh.

Today is officially ‘too-many-teeth-for-your-mouth’ day, as there seems to be an influx ofpeople who are struggling to close their mouths due to a miraculous abundance of pearly gnashers. There is a girl here who could, quite literally eat an apple through a letterbox. She is struggling for air as she gawks over her underviewed facebook account. She resembles a very unfortunate coconut, bits of weird downy hair growing all over her lobsided face.

I have a new assignment anyway. I have to design a shop front logo type thingy for a gallery front in deep south London. Its in an old car showroom called ‘Auto Italia’, should be fun.

Anyway, from me and the one that got away from the dentist.

tata.

08/07/09 I don’t condone my actions here, I’m going to call it catharsis, obviously not having such a good day

Mark Speight

In Art, Childhood, Discontent, London, P.O.V, Relevant to my interests., Upsetting on July 8, 2009 at 6:27 pm

14/04/08

I found this earlier today. The daily mail took it down from their website but It was stored in my TEMP files and I wanted to put this in my blog to read another day if I wanted to.

I always liked Mark Speight. He was fun to watch, animated, stylish and seemed quite warm on the cameras. He is up there with Dave Benson Phillips and Theakston and Ball in their ‘Live and Kicking’ heyday. Not even Pat Sharpe or the bloke from run the risk were as good as Speight.

I remember seeing the billboard when he was accused of killing his girlfriend and I thought to myself that either a) I was a terrible judge of character or b) that there was a massive misunderstanding. I was glad that it was b.

Then I read that he was staying with her mother because he couldn’t face going home to the flat they shared. At night she could hear his sobbing from her room. The man was dying from a broken heart.

Well. For me, when mom rang to tell me they found his body at Paddington I became nauseous. I had followed this thing with some interest and, you know, when you know what Paddington Station looks like, and you see a face that you like and recognize and then put them both together Its pretty grim.

This is where that guy off TV died. The one who did that interview with Julian Opie and opened your eyes to Escher and simple modern art after school while I was eating my waffles and crispy pancakes. You know, gave you a little bit of inspiration. It was better viewing than Grange Hill anyway.

Well. This is an exclusive and I think its probably the saddest thing i have in my possession. It looks like the closest thing that he has to a Eulogy. His final words.

He found his girlfriend pretty much cooked to death in a scalding bath. Too high on coke and sleeping pills to realize that she was boiling herself alive. And he found her.

The day before he went missing, he found himself turning to a Journalist of all people.

Here it is.

Daily Mail
13th April 2008

My last troubling talk with Mark Speight – just before he vanished.

ELIZABETH SANDERSON

I was just leaving the hotel in Blackfriars when I heard someone calling my name.

I turned round and spotted Mark Speight, standing in the shadows and smoking a cigarette. As I walked back to meet him, he said: “Sorry, can I ask you something?”

“Yes anything”, I replied.

“Will I ever get through this?” he asked, his bright-blue eyes dull and full of despair.

It was an unusual question to ask a journalist he barely knew but then for Mark nothing is ‘normal’ any more.

Ever since he found his fiancee Natasha Collins dead in the bath of their London penthouse after she’d taken “significant” amounts of cocaine, the world had become a confusing, essentially meaningless, place.

Which is why his disappearance last week is of such concern to his family and friends.

Four days after our conversation, Mark failed to arrive for a planned meeting with Natasha’s mother Carmen in a Covent Garden coffee shop.

CCTV footage shows him boarding a Bakerloo line underground train at Queen’s Park station, North-West London. He hasn’t been seen since.

A week ago last Thursday was the first time I had met Mark Speight. I had seen him on television presenting the BBC children’s show SMart and, like everyone else, I was impressed.

He seemed much younger than his 42 years with a natural, bouncy enthusiasm for life.

And when we spoke, there were still traces of that person he had once been. He was friendly and polite and would occasionally light up at some memory of Natasha – yet each smile was tinged with an unbearable sadness.

There was no question that Mark had been utterly devastated by Natasha’s death back in January.

He had the dishevelled demeanour of an old man but the helplessness of a little boy who didn’t know where to turn next.

We met because I was doing an interview for The Mail on Sunday with Carmen. Mark accompanied her to the hotel because, as we revealed last week, he had barely left her side since his fiancee’s death.

His agents had advised him not to speak to the Press, yet there was obviously much he wanted to say. Before Carmen and I went to speak in private, the three us had coffee.

It was the day after the inquest at Westminster where a coroner had ruled that Natasha, a 31-year-old actress, had died from cocaine toxicity and immersion in hot water.

Mark had taken the stand but when asked if he wanted to add anything to the evidence, he said he did not.

That day, Mark told me he regretted the decision and said: “When I was up there I really wanted to say something – to say what an amazing girl she was but when I got up there I just couldn’t do it.

“I went dry. I just couldn’t get the words out. I wish now that I had said something.”

He was worried that people wouldn’t understand how much he had loved Natasha and was concerned that their relationship had been portrayed in a trivial way.

“I don’t think people realise,” he said. “But we were very much together. That night we had been making plans, which makes it even harder to accept she has gone. We were getting married. We were in love.”

And it was tragically apparent that the prospect of life without Natasha – or Tash as Mark always called her – was unimaginable.

Seated in the foyer of the Crowne Plaza and still bewildered by the horror of recent events, he said: “Everyone keeps saying [about the inquest] that it’s an ending, that at least it’s over; but it’s not is it?

“This is the beginning. This is it now. This is life without Tash and we’ve got to work out how to live with it.”

Given his disappearance last Monday, this is something that Mark is clearly struggling with. Two policemen who stopped the presenter in Kilburn, North West London, that afternoon said he had appeared “distracted and deep in thought”.

They offered to call him a doctor or simply someone to talk to but he declined, telling them: “I need to leave.”

He later withdrew some money from a cashpoint before boarding the Tube. His mobile phone has been switched off ever since and police believe that he may have gone to one of the places that he and Natasha used to visit.

They are now focusing their search on the Thames Valley and Dorset and admit there are grave concerns for his safety.

As one of only a few journalists to speak to Mark about Natasha’s death, I know that there were a number of points he wanted to get across.

On a scrunched-up piece of paper, he had written down some notes for Carmen’s interview that he hoped she might say on his behalf.

He wrote that Natasha was his “cheeky monkey – his soulmate and best friend rolled into one”.

He said their “motto for life was that you can’t argue with a smile” and that “she loved people and loved life”.

“I loved her for those reasons,” he wrote. “We were happy and very much in love.”

Most poignantly of all he said: “My life without Tash will never be the same. A part of me has died with her and her loss will be with me for life.”

Mark and Natasha met in 1999 when they both appeared in the BBC children’s programme, See It, Saw It.

While it was Natasha’s first acting job, Mark was already established on the circuit.

The son of art teacher Jacqueline and property developer Oliver Speight, Mark grew up in the well-to-do suburb of Tettenhall near Wolverhampton.

He had his first break when he appeared as a contestant on ITV’s Blind Date, hosted by Cilla Black.

By 1992, his talent for comic expressions landed him a role in an advert for crisps. That year he also made his West End debut in the musical Moby Dick and appeared in a video with Kylie Minogue.

He has since starred in programmes for the BBC, CITV and the Discovery Channel.

His friendship with Natasha developed into something closer in 2001 after she was in a near-fatal car accident.

She had just won a major part in the Channel 4 soap, Hollyoaks, when she was knocked down by a car in North London.

She spent six weeks in a coma and afterwards her memory was badly affected, making it difficult to learn lines.

Her career never really recovered but in retrospect the most devastating side-effects were the panic attacks and nightmares she suffered as a result.

Mark has told Carmen that Natasha turned to drugs as a release from all the flashbacks.

The inquest into Natasha’s death heard that the couple had been “partying” on the night of January 2; that they had taken cocaine and sleeping pills and hadn’t got to bed until 4am the following morning.

Mark found his fiancee in the bath when he woke up just after one o’clock that afternoon.

Tests showed her blood contained a by-product of cocaine at a level of 3.42mg per litre. Just 0.7mg per litre can be fatal, depending on an individual’s reaction to the drug.

Mark was insistent that Natasha was not an addict and he was clearly upset about the way their last evening has been portrayed.

He told me: “We weren’t “partying”. We had been to a party in Maida Vale. It was a friend of Tash’s. We hadn’t even wanted to go. We had a few drinks there. We didn’t do anything and then we came home.

“I wish I’d never told the police now. They kept saying at the inquest that we were “partying” and it just wasn’t like that.”

Mark has always remained vague on the exact details of that evening and had told Carmen that he couldn’t remember what happened.

That night outside the hotel I told him that I thought Natasha’s mother deserved to know more.

He seemed hesitant – not, I felt, because of the drugs involved but because those memories were all he had left.

It was, after all, the last night he and Natasha would ever spend together.

In the end he agreed and said: “It was just the two of us. We were talking about the future. We were planning for our wedding and writing poems for it.

“We were looking forward. We were a couple. I feel as though the way it has been reported it’s as if this was just some kind of relationship that wasn’t very important.

“But it wasn’t like that. We were getting married. We were everything to each other.”

Mark hasn’t been back to the flat since Natasha’s death and told me: “I just can’t do it. I can’t go there. I’ll never go there. Eventually I’ll sell it.”

“I haven’t really thought about that yet but there’s no way I could ever go back. It’s so hard. Tash was my life.

“At home I have to be strong for Carmen but it’s just so hard. I miss her so much. She was everything to me. Nothing really matters any more, now she’s gone.”

And then he said: “I want to tell you something about Tash.”

Just weeks before her death Mark had played Buttons in Cinderella at the Watersmeet theatre in Rickmansworth, Hertfordshire.

Natasha worked there too, selling T-shirts. Mark knew how hard it must have been for her not to be on stage but he was so proud as he recalled a night in the theatre before the cast had arrived.

“The theatre was empty,” he said. “I lifted her into the pit where the band played and she started playing the drums. [Natasha was a talented drummer who had performed at the Albert Hall.]

“Bit by bit people started coming in and everyone was getting into the music.

“Someone said, “Oh, the band’s in early tonight.” And then Natasha stood up. They said, “Oh, it’s not the band, it’s the T-shirt girl.”

“Tash kind of gave them a look and a click of her fingers as if to say, “Take that, see, I’m not just the girl who sells the T-shirts. I’m me and I’m worth more than that.”

“And I lifted her out of the pit and I was so proud of her. Because she wasn’t just the T-shirt girl, she was Natasha Collins.”

And with that Mark dissolved into tears, into the type of hard, racking sobs that come only with utter despair.

There are those who will always blame Mark for what happened that night – although none more so than himself.

True, Natasha and Mark did not stop to consider the danger of taking drugs but her death was not Mark’s fault.

Carmen herself admitted that her daughter was her own woman and that she would never have been forced into doing something she didn’t want to do.

Judging from the man I met that evening, Mark is a gentle, loving individual who truly cares.

And that, of course, is why everyone is so worried about him.

There has already been tragedy enough in the lives of Mark and Natasha and all those that love them. Please don’t let there be one more.

———————————————————————————————————-

And thats it. It was prophesied. If you look at this thing a little deeper, it was obvious that he was going to take his life.

Why did he go to a journalist of all people? Why was he staying with her parents and not his own? It is strikingly obvious that he was alone, and wanted to be alone, but when he says:

“This is life without Tash and WE’VE got to work out how to live with it.”

I don’t think he means WE in the sense of him, his family and friends, I think he is referring to himself and his deceased partner. There was no way to live with it.

Even the journalist could sense the despair. His career in ruins, always going to be the guy who coked his young girlfriend up and killed her. He had to make his statement to the mass media and crawl away into some corner of this heinous city and allow it to swallow him whole.

I think why this gets me, is because I always saw something of myself in him. A jolly guy, likes art, has a sense of humor, smiles alot and then the other side of him, losing himself in the lonely city for days on end without talking to anyone. I do it with solace, but in his condition, I couldn’t imagine anything darker.

The brighter the sun shines upon you.
The darker the shadow lurks behind your back.

Testament to Lament

In Alcohol, Childish, Crazy Foreigners, Discontent, Drinking, Food, Humor, London, P.O.V, Product of boredom, Tom Fuel on July 8, 2009 at 6:23 pm

17/01/08

I was talking to myself again today.

“Nothing new”, I said.

And then I realized what I was doing.

So I went for a walk to find someone to converse with, or even to give me something for my mind to chew before It started to chew itself again. So I went through the old three S’s routine, donned my black coat and scarf and took another walk. Makes me feel like its worth living here.

It was just past midnight. Various ne’er do wells and time kickers on patrol as usual. Police cars wail on their merry way, scene to scene, like a poor pulp play, with the same cloned type behind the wheel. The self important are never roaming free at this time. Not below the river anyway. I have an absolute absence of logic and basic common sense, but knowing that every corner I take, though seemingly alone at times, I am fully aware that I am being watched by someone just waiting for me to make a wrong move. The thrill being, If I were to be accosted, beaten, shot, stabbed, robbed or raped, that someone would be there quicker than any other part of the United Kingdom. This is Zone One, the epicenter, and (permitting that I didn’t die) should be eligible for a nice payout if blows came to blows.

But then, this is just the fear factor. Unlikely seeing as for every three people on the street, there is at least one law enforcing unit, and in some weird twist of logic, it is safer here than walking through Dudley at this time.

I took a perch on the steps of the Imperial war museum and admired the up lit dome on top. I did a wee behind one of the only surviving fragments of the Berlin wall that is embedded in the concrete outside. It has the words ‘CHANGE YOUR LIFE’ spray painted on it, probably by some disgruntled East German. Nobody was around so I started swinging on the enormous frigate gun placement that takes center stage outside. It points at the London Eye and I imagined the sound it would make if it fired, and how far it would fling me if it did, and how much damage it would do. Then I saw some black men walking up the path (at least I assumed they were black…and men, because it was dark), so I legged it to the road. They were probably wardens, but I figured they probably saw me on CCTV straddling the biggest gun in the city.

I weighed up ether it was worth staying, what would they have done? Bludgeoned me to death? It probably would have made more interesting tattle than this, so i headed north to see what was going on.

I went all the way up to Westminster on foot, wondering if all the gargoyles on the Houses Of Parliament had names. They are all unique, each one, all goggling and gargling at me in different ways. I would have named them. Knights line the walls and floral patterns ride to the top of the tower. No Brian Haw today, just Churchill looming down at me amongst a bunch of other important folk cast in bronze or set in stone. Men of science, men of war all pigeon targets now.

I don’t want to be a statue, anyway, I prefer enormous guns that you are not allowed to climb on, and you have to sneak out in the night if you wanted to, and even then they will come and tell you to get down.

There was a tramp with no shoes. He was sitting on them because I could see a shoelace, and his coat was stuffed behind a railing a little further down the street.

More statues of celebrated war heroes opposite Mr Browns house before you reach Nelson on his enormous stone phallus, flanked with lions. People sit on the benches surrounding him, embracing partners, sleeping or wishing the time away whilst gazing into the fountains. One Zionist stood symmetrically opposite the statue, sizing up to it whilst doing some strange slow dance / stretch routine. Snake like in his motions.

It was just after 1AM. The place was busier. Rich party kids waiting for buses, Asians donning Armani coats looking self important are prominent, along with the loud Russians and Eastern Europeans, looking far more dangerous and furry than the rest, like polar bears.

I came out looking for a conversation of sorts, some kind of interaction with people without any ulterior motive. Its not so sad, I don’t feel sad, I’m just yearning something different. Hungry for thought foods. Pasta gets boring. Where do they hide the steak?

I jumped from empty bench to empty bench, avoiding ‘the lava’ when I could. Lava a plenty ahead, parked in front of the National Gallery was a brightly coloured bus with ‘The Modern Jesus Army’ splashed onto the side in that try-hard-to-look-cool design schematic. Like a drinks promotion night flier for a failing bar. They run around the place in Purple body warmers handing out glow in the dark crosses. I put my hood up to avoid them, instilled with more fear now that I had felt in the past hour. One of them, a woman with a feint mustache made a beeline towards me. I wobbled around on the spot but, but I had to see the mustache, was it a woman? Just a trick of the light? Is it mirrors? It was too horrible to bear as it got closer with its cross, I wanted to shout ‘Yeild Cerebus”, but instead, took a final glance, snatched the nu-rave accessory and did some kind of unintentional chesty cough. It took her back and she put her arm to her mouth as to avoid my SARS. She muttered something about ‘love’ and ‘Jesus’, but by this time I was off.

It was all too sinister. Rich kids, God, money, Russian bears. I had to regenerate myself. I needed clarity.

So, there stood a delightful young oriental girl with some trays of noodles and various chicken types. She also had boxes. cardboard boxes. Take away Chinese boxes. I was a real city kid now. “I will take one!” I blurted. Without saying a word, I was handed a box with chop sticks. She had no fork, but whatever, I was real deal.

Maybe this was the conversation of inspiration?

“Why do you have no forks?” I smiled at her. Wiggled my head around. Showed some teeth. Rolled my eyes. Waited.

“No” She said.

“No?” I said.

“No” She said.

She gazed at me, and after a few tense seconds just shrugged. She carried on pottering about behind her portable counter thing.

So, hungry as I was, I started to fumble around with my chopsticks. I cant use chopsticks. I sat on a bench in Leicester Square trying to figure them out. Some Indy girl walked by and laughed at me. I laughed too. She stopped laughing. I carried on laughing. I felt stupid.

Fuck Chopsticks.

There are no forks at night in London. I proceeded with my fingers. I picked out the chicken bits, got Sweet and sour in my beard, pigged about for a bit. Occasionally people glared, the Armani Indians rattled in their Hindi tongues to each other and the English ignored me. I even tried using that nu-rave cross as a utensil. Uneventful.

It was getting messy now, I needed a fork. It smelled great. I walked up Piccadilly occasionally stopping to shovel it into my mouth.

I wiped my eating hand on a curtain outside a yuppie bar. One of them saw me through the window. Some bloke with noodles all around his mouth, sweet and sour down his chin wearing a big glow in the dark cross around his neck rubbing himself on the exterior deco. I ran away, found a fork outside an ice cream vendor shop along with a napkin. I took a vast shovel, filled my mouth full of noodles…

what was this?

This taste

Like…like holidays

when I was a kid, by the sea.

Can I taste sea?

Seaweed?

SEAWEED?

Oh my GOD! these people DO eat seaweed! Oh! OH!

And then I thought of that Christian mustachio female, her hairy top lip flip flapping away like an undesirable deep sea fish…that tasted like…

I proceeded to puke up a wall.

There is no hope here for someone like me. I lack class and charisma. I cant even eat Chinese food properly. Why would anyone in their right mind want to be seen with me? This was it. The end for me, I might as well enroll with the Jesus brigade, go bash some Bibles over heads of the unsuspecting.

I headed back, looking for a news agent or a decent drinks vendor. I needed to wash away the seaweed. I found a Cost Cutter in Waterloo. I swanned over the newspapers on the desk, picked up a Guardian and a Fosters and a Mars. The till man had long yellow fingernails. There is nothing on this Earth I hate more than men with long fingernails. I looked up at his big brown greasy face.

“Two pounds and twenty eight my mate. You look unhappy.” He glanced me up and down. “You need a woman!”

My mouth dropped. His lip rolled up like a kitchen blind to reveal three misshapen pointy yellow teeth.

“HA!” he bellowed. I was shitting myself. “HA HA! LOOK! You have things all over your coat! A woman will clean it and comb your hair!”

Horror struck me. I looked down to see noodle and sick on my breast pocket. I ran, ran for my life and dignity without collecting my change.

I ran past statues and gargoyles, party people and red buses. A tramp was putting his shoes on and the London eye gazed on at me. Police cars whizzed past and all I could taste was seaweed and sweet and sour.

I got back to the war museum and caught my breath. I sat on the stairs and cracked open the Fosters.

The writings on the wall say ‘CHANGE YOUR LIFE’, and I imagined blowing up London once more with that mighty gun turret…

I didn’t sit on it this time though, in case they saw me.

It was too dark to read the Guardian.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.